Stop whining or we'll feed you to the Cthulhu tree.
Cleveland vs. Boston: Fuck Boston. Cavs in six.
Orlando vs. Atlanta/Milwaukee: No one outside of his mother expects Jameer Nelson to continue his lunatic play (third in playoff PER behind LeBron and Jason Richardson -- Jason Richardson? Huh.), and no one outside of Stan Van Gundy expects the 75-foot tall acolyte of the Super Magical Jesus Baby to continue fouling up the joint, but who advances is a point that contains a healthy dollop of moot. Magic in five.
The Fucking Lakers vs. Utah: Remember, media, Pau Gasol may have gotten the tip-in to send America's whitest professional fanbase back to their respective farms, but it was Kobe le Sangfroid who fired the brick, therefore his, not the Spaniard's, Clutch Coefficient gets all the credit, okay? Okay. Oh yeah, the series. The motherfucking mofo known as Deron Williams is the best player on the court right now, but a fully-loaded AK-47 or a classic Artest would be real helpful. The Fucking Lakers in six.
Phoenix vs. San Antonio: Imagine if these teams had a contentious playoff history, then perhaps this matchup wouldn't be such a slacker chips n' weed snoozefest. Oh, that's right, none of you clowns follow hoops. They have a contentious playoff history. And Riverwalk sticks another shiv in Murka's craziest (did Oklahoma or Texas do anything overnight?) state. Spurs in six.
Oh, happy International Proletariat/Loyalty Day, depending on your locale. Unless you failed to leave out milk and cookies and got lashed by the devil.